What's The Glitch Wire?

The internet's most reputable tech news source. JK, it's all B.S. satire. Don't trust a word on this site.
Submit Work

Tech is a wild world full of unruly algorithms and inane tech bros, so let ‘er rip! We’d love to hear and showcase your ideas.

Submit Your Work!

Telsa FSD Review: Another Driver that Refuses to Stop for Bathroom Breaks

Tesla Full Self-Driving (FSD) Beta v1.1 was released to the North American public recently, and wow what a feat! Something that many said could never be accomplished is now a reality!

I’ll admit, though, that using it on my first road trip, I was surprised by a few of the features the engineers decided to include. I suppose maybe they want me to feel like a real human is driving, but they’ve probably gone too far with some of this…

Just as we get to the end of my driveway, it stops to ask me if I remembered to unplug the iron. Ok… thanks for the reminder I guess? Even though it was plugged in and blazing hot when I went back into the house, I respond “Yes, I remembered,” to the onscreen prompt.

I enter a mid-point destination to stop at a gas station so that I could use the bathroom. It asks me, “Are you sure?” which may just be a normal confirmation, but it felt a little passive aggressive…

When I see that it plans to take the Kennedy, I mention that the Expressway is a lot faster at this time of day. It asks me if I’d like to drive instead. I say “No,” under my breath, and add, “but I know I’m right.” It turns the radio up really loud so that I can barely hear myself think.

I enter another mid-point destination to stop at a rest stop bathroom. The car rejects my request because I “just went”. What?! It’s not my fault that I drank so much coffee before we left!

About an hour into the drive, the car slows down a bit, so I ask FSD if we are there yet. It doesn’t respond so I ask again, “Are we there yet?” Again, no response, so I ask once more. FSD pulls the car over alongside a random farm and opens the door for me to get out. Ok, ok, point taken. We are both silent for awhile after that.

We pass a yellow VW beetle and the car drops the steering wheel hard into my lap, giving me the worst charley horse! The screen flashes “Punch bug!” but WTF does that even mean?!

Two hours into our three hour trip it pulls over and tells me that it’s “my turn to drive”. Umm, no FSD, it’s your turn until I sell you as scrap metal, you lousy P.o.S.! I take the wheel for a bit, but then mention that I’m starting to get kinda sleepy…

My favorite karaoke song — Margaritaville — comes on and I’m really feelin’ it! But Debbie Downer FSD decides to flip the station mid-chorus. There I am singing “Salt! Salt! Where’s the f’in Sa — ” to Beethoven’s 9th. Un-friggin’-real.

Around this time I realize that FSD has made me pay for every tollbooth. Dude, pull your weight! I say aloud when we reach the next booth. I dropped $15,000 to have you along on this ride and you can’t even scrap together a few nickels.Anyway, you’re the one who refused to take a few side roads to skirt the toll because it’s “unethical”! I go on about how robots don’t have ethics and mid-rant the car mashes the steering wheel into my lap again.

Just as we’re about to make the right turn into the hotel, FSD let Every. Single. Person. in town cross the crosswalk in front of us. C’mon, man! I still have to pee! I mean there’s etiquette and then there’s FSD etiquette, which I know is just a front to coax the public into thinking it’s an incredibly caring and protective AI. Well why don’t we show them the huge welts on my thighs from you bashing me with the steering wheel, Mr. Caring!

It parks SOOOOO FAR from the hotel entrance that I need to drop trow behind a bush next to the parking lot. FSD begins to beep the horn and flash its lights to draw attention to me. A family gawks and points while I frantically zip up. Asshole car!

So, as a technical achievement, I was really impressed by FSD. But I don’t think I’ll take it on any more road trips. It was just a real buzz kill and suuuuuper annoying most of the ride.

So, Steve, if you’re reading this, man, I’m hoping that you’ve forgiven me for our last road trip and how many times I had to go to the bathroom — I’ve gotten a lot better about that. Oh, and we can take your route along the Kennedy too… even though the Expressway is typically faster.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Previous Post

Zoom Grinz: Never Fake a Smile Again at Work!

Next Post

The White House Offers Inventor of Teddy Ruxpin the “AI Czar” Position

Related Posts