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Zoom Grinz: Never Fake a Smile Again at Work!

Zoom gets it!

Five minutes before this meeting started, you were smack in the middle of yet another existential crisis…

So inconvenient!

“How do I get out of this soul-crushing job?!” you think. “Thirty more years of this hell?!” you scream at your cat, who will be dead three times over before you retire.

But the corporate meeting must go on (…it mustn’t, but it will)! And you’re well aware that negative emotions are just too icky for the workplace. So, like the good little corporate soldier you are, you dab at your tears with a shirt sleeve, shake it off, and join in!

Uh oh! Now you’re on camera with 7 coworkers, and you need to feign a smile that just won’t come!

“Help! I’m dead inside!” you silently plea.

Well, Zoom’s got you covered! With Zoom Grinz!

With the click of a button, their advanced facial recognition and AI will photoshop a live, photorealistic smile onto your feed. You’ll be smiling on camera in no time — or at least, you’ll have your coworkers believe that you’re smiling, which is really all that matters at work!

Hey! you say. Won’t it look fake?

Yes! And that’s the magic of it. Through analyzing millions of hours of Zoom footage, they’ve discovered that nobody has ever genuinely smiled in a work meeting. The forced, plastic smile that we digitally smear across your face will fit right in among your coworkers, no matter how dead in the eyes you appear!

Don’t believe us? Read what these satisfied Zoomers have to say…

“I still hate my job, but now I don’t look like I hate my job… and that’s good enough for HR!” -John in Appleton, WI

“Yesterday in a Zoom meeting, my boss asked me what I was smiling about. I replied that I was thinking about the all of the TPS forms I get to fill out this afternoon. He commended me, and then doubled the workload. So, mission accomplished??!” -Sal in Bloomington, IL

“If only I could use this feature in face-to-face meetings! But I still have alcohol for that.” -April in Houston, TX

But wait, there’s more!

Try our experimental “Laugh” feature: Zoom will automagically detect when a coworker has made a trite workplace joke (e.g. “How was my weekend?… Too short!!”), and Zoom will digitally overlay a hearty grin and audible chuckle through your audio. Best of all, they’ll proactively mute your mic so you can go ahead and scream all of the obscenities that you had previously bottled inside!

So try Zoom Grinz today! When you see yourself smiling back, you might just wonder: Who’s this asshole on the daily standup with that shit-eating grin?

It’s you!

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