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In Light of Looming Dystopia, It’s Not Too Early To Begin Planning The Hunger Games

In light of our steadily unfolding dystopia, it’s high time we faced the truth: We should just get on with it and start planning The Hunger Games — a bloodthirsty, savage competition that has, so far, been confined to the realm of fiction. But why, you ask? Wouldn’t we want to veer away from such a grim fate? Well, yes, ideally we would, but in the spirit of good ol’ human optimism, I say: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Let’s at least make sure that if we are destined for a grim future, we’ve got the best-produced, best-casted, and most exciting Hunger Games we possibly can!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting this because I have some kind of ghoulish fascination with young people battling to the death on live TV. No, I’m promoting this because, given the state of things, we might as well get ahead of the curve and ensure it’s a thoroughly enjoyable spectacle. Picture this: high-definition cameras strategically placed to capture every fear-induced teardrop, ultrasonic microphones capturing every rustle and whimper, contestants wearing a dazzling array of kaleidoscopic Gucci-branded armor, and a glitterrati parade of celebrity appearances that will keep your head spinning. Our collective doom has never looked so glamorous!

Now is the time to get ready, people! The last thing we want is for a spectacle like The Hunger Games to turn into a slapdash fiasco like the XFL. Nobody can forget the shaky camera work, gimmicky innovations, and seemingly duct-taped production value — a travesty that’s truly still engraved in our collective memory. We wouldn’t want The Hunger Games reduced to a series of underwhelming events in shoddily constructed arenas, thrown together with the same finesse as a fifth-grade school play. Plus, let’s be honest, in the middle of apocalyptic doom, it’s highly unlikely we’d have the resources, time, or mental bandwidth to pull together a spectacle worthy of Panem’s twisted pageantry. We can’t exactly be sourcing sequin costumes and choreographing fight scenes whilst dodging meteor showers and staving off AI droids of doom. So, let’s be proactive and set the stage with the respect it deserves while we still have time, resources, and a shred of civilization left!

Now that you agree with me, there are a few key things that we just have to get right in order to properly set the scene for the games:

  • Casting is of course crucial. Enter stage left, star Tribute coach Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, a veritable Hercules of our times, guiding the Tributes in the art of the People’s Elbow and the eyebrow raise. Alongside him are Tribute coaches Connor McGregor and Chuck Liddell, who are ready to turn flabby teenage wimps into ruthless killing machines. We’ll even enlist a couple of delightfully dumpy coaches for our less fortunate contestants. Picture Kevin from The Office, spooning out his world-famous chili and “wisdom” as he attempts to navigate the treacherous world of the games. And of course, we’ll need a charismatic host. I nominate David Attenborough, based on his ability to describe wild animals in their natural habitat as they fight to survive.
  • In terms of set design and special effects, we’d want to spare no expense. Real forests are too unpredictable and lack adequate Wi-Fi, so a massive, climate-controlled dome filled with realistic biomes, danger zones, and hidden traps sounds just about right. And the traps don’t all need to be dangerous, either! Imagine an Indian Jones-esque gauntlet that shoots poisoned daggers one pass, and slaps a pie in the face on another to keep the contestants (and the audience!) on their toes. And for the duller moments, when Tributes spend full days hiding out in a dirt hole, we’ll construct elaborate stage performances that put a Super Bowl halftime show to shame. You might not agree with Taylor Swift performing Shake It Off in the middle of a literal juvenile warzone, but consider that it just might be the message the Tributes need to hear.
  • The right mix of Tributes. Even though we can’t know exactly when we’ll slide into Armageddon’s hopeless gloom, we can at least begin screening for a healthy backlog of Tributes of all ages. All of the obvious criteria apply: Attractive, not too whiny, lacking moral scruples about murdering their peers, can throw a spear, etc. It’s also probably best to start hardening the Tributes from wealthy cities like Orange County and Aspen, as they may be in for a bit of a shock going up against the Tributes from Chicago’s South Side and Compton, CA. Not that the games need to be fair, they just need to last long enough to appease our advertisers (this shit’s not going to pay for itself, you know).

At the end of the day, our world seems to be inching closer to dystopia with every passing year. And while we should be doing everything we can to prevent it, if our efforts prove futile, we might as well make the most of it. And by ‘make the most of it’, I mean produce an exceptional, high-budget production of The Hunger Games.

So, let’s face our destiny with grace, high ratings, and a well-rehearsed script. Our dystopian future may be inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be a low-budget affair. If we’re going to hell in a handbasket, let’s at least do it with style.

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