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SpaceX Offers to Incinerate All Remaining Magic Rings in Next Starship Launch

In a move that has sent fans of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle-earth into a frenzy, SpaceX has announced that they will be offering to burn any and all magic rings from “The Lord of the Rings” in their next Starship test launch. The company, known for exploring the final frontier rather than fantastical realms, claims their rocket engines burn hotter than the legendary Mount Doom, thereby providing a “simple and elegant solution” to the arduous journey that Frodo had to undertake.

“We thought it was high time we leveraged our superior rocket technology to rid the world of these cursed trinkets,” said SpaceX spokesperson Jeffery Quasar. “Our rocket thrust runs about 1000° hotter than Mount Doom, so we can certainly incinerate a few enchanted bands of metal. I mean, you saw what the rocket did to our launchpad.”

Starship launchpad obliterated after first test launch in April 2023. Magic rings stand no chance.

Tolkien enthusiasts are divided about SpaceX’s new initiative. A section of the fanbase lauded the idea, arguing that it would prevent the resurgence of Sauron-like figures, who could be tempted to exploit the power of these rings. The more uppity nerds, however, lambasted it as an “outrageous commodification” of a cherished fantasy realm.

“I can’t believe they’re trivializing the trials of Frodo like this,” complained one aggrieved fan on Reddit. “Sure, it’s technically a solution, but it’s also cheapening the symbolism of the ring and its journey.”

Despite such criticism, SpaceX remains undeterred, arguing that their solution is in line with modern advancements. “We are not discounting Frodo’s struggle,” defended Quasar. “We are simply offering an alternate solution for a technologically advanced age. Who knows, if the space race had kicked off a few decades earlier, Gandalf could’ve just FedExed the ring to us, and saved everyone a lot of trouble. This way there’s a 100% less change of encountering Orcs.”

Elon Musk himself weighed in on the issue, which for him is about more than mere technological efficiency, but about existential risk itself, “We certainly don’t want any of these rings to make it to Mars. The entire point of getting to Mars is to escape risks like the rings, which could be used by a demigod to enslave the planet.”

He added, “We’ve only destroyed one of these things, and that leaves 19 remaining by my count. I won’t truly rest easy until they’re all incinerated.”

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